Funeral Planning Checklist: Making Decisions Before They're Needed

Opening

In the whirlwind of decisions we had to make after my father, James, passed away, there was one that, thankfully, had already been made for us. He had told us exactly where he wanted to be buried. He wanted to be laid to rest alongside the generations before him, in the cemetery in the Ohio town where he grew up and lived his whole adult life. That one simple instruction was a gift. It was a single, solid piece of ground in a landscape of shifting uncertainties. It saved us from what could have been a painful and divisive family debate.

But what else did he want beyond that? A traditional funeral or a more informal memorial service? What kind of flowers? What music? Each question felt like a test, a test we were terrified of failing. We were trying to honor a man we loved, to create a final tribute that would do justice to his life, but without the map we wanted to guide us.

We did our best. We chose a simple casket as is a part of our religious tradition. We invited people to speak we knew loved him. I hope he would've liked the service, but we still wonder. But that moment of grief - the last thing you want to spend your energy doing is wondering. No one should have to plan a funeral in a state of shock and grief. It’s a final act of love to make these decisions for yourself, to give your family the peace of knowing that they are honoring your wishes.

Problem Statement

The problem is that we treat funeral planning as a taboo subject. We see it as morbid, as tempting fate. But the reality is that death is a certainty, and by failing to plan for it, we are placing a heavy burden on our loved ones. The average funeral can cost between $7,000 and $12,000, and that doesn’t even include the cost of the cemetery plot and headstone. [1] When you don’t have a plan, your family is forced to make a series of major financial decisions under extreme emotional distress. They are vulnerable to upsells and emotional spending, and they may end up spending far more than you would have wanted.

But it’s not just about the money. It’s about the emotional toll. Planning a funeral is a deeply personal and emotional process. When you leave it to your family, you are forcing them to make a series of choices that will be forever tied to their memory of you. This can create conflict within families, as different members may have different ideas about what you would have wanted. It can also lead to a lifetime of second-guessing and regret. Did we do the right thing? Is this what they would have wanted? These are questions that can haunt a family for years.

My father’s one instruction, to be buried in the cemetery plot he'd purchased himself, was a small act of grace that saved us from a world of conflict. But the dozens of other decisions we had to make were a source of stress and anxiety at a time when we were already overwhelmed. By planning your own funeral, you are giving your family a final gift. You are giving them the freedom to grieve without the added burden of planning. You are giving them the peace of mind that comes with knowing that they are honoring your wishes. It is an act of love, an act of responsibility, and an act of profound kindness.

Main Content

Section 1: The First and Biggest Decision: Burial or Cremation?

This is the most fundamental choice you will make in your funeral plan, and it influences almost every other decision. It’s a deeply personal choice, often guided by family tradition, religious beliefs, and personal philosophy. My father’s wish to be buried was clear, but for many, this is a point of deep reflection.

Burial:

• What it is: The interment of the body in a casket in the ground or a mausoleum.
• Considerations: If you choose burial, you’ll need to consider the casket, the cemetery plot, the vault or grave liner (often required by cemeteries to prevent the ground from sinking), and the headstone or grave marker. The costs can add up quickly. A traditional burial allows for a physical place for family and friends to visit, which can be a source of comfort for many.
• State-Specific Laws: Be aware that state laws govern burial practices. For example, some states have specific regulations about burial on private property, and most have laws regarding the depth of the grave and the use of a vault.

Cremation:

• What it is: The process of reducing the body to its basic elements through intense heat. The remains, often called “ashes,” can then be kept, scattered, or interred.
• Considerations: Cremation is often a more affordable option than burial. It also offers more flexibility. The remains can be scattered in a meaningful place (be sure to check local regulations), kept in an urn at home, or buried in a cemetery plot. If you choose cremation, you’ll need to decide on an urn and what you want to be done with the remains.
• Religious Views: It’s worth noting that views on cremation vary among religions. While it is widely accepted in many faiths, some, like Orthodox Judaism and Islam, traditionally prohibit it.

Section 2: The Service: Crafting a Meaningful Farewell

The funeral or memorial service is the heart of the farewell. It’s a time for family and friends to gather, to share memories, and to begin the process of grieving. There is no right or wrong way to do this. The most important thing is that the service reflects the life and personality of the person who has died.

• Traditional Funeral: This is typically held within a few days of the death and includes a viewing or visitation, a formal service at a funeral home or place of worship, and a procession to the cemetery for the burial.
• Memorial Service: This is a service without the body present. It can be held at any time, which can be a blessing for families who need more time to plan or who have relatives who need to travel.
• Celebration of Life: This is a more informal and often more joyful event that focuses on celebrating the life of the person who has died. It can be held anywhere, from a park to a favorite restaurant, and can include music, food, and storytelling.

When planning the service, consider the following elements:

• The Officiant: Who will lead the service? This could be a clergy member, a funeral director, a celebrant, or a family friend.
• The Eulogy: Who will speak about your life? You can ask specific people to share stories, or you can open the floor to anyone who wants to speak.
• The Music: What songs or hymns would you like to have played? Music can be a powerful way to set the tone for the service.
• The Readings: Are there any poems, prayers, or passages from literature that are meaningful to you?

Section 3: The Financials: Understanding and Managing the Costs

Funerals are expensive, and the costs can be a major source of stress for families. By planning ahead, you can make informed decisions and control the costs. The Federal Trade Commission’s “Funeral Rule” requires funeral homes to give you a General Price List (GPL) that itemizes the costs of their services. [2] This is an essential tool for comparison shopping.

Here’s a breakdown of the typical costs:

• Basic Services Fee: This is a non-declinable fee that covers the funeral home’s overhead, planning, and paperwork.
• Embalming and Body Preparation: Embalming is not usually required by law, but it may be necessary if you are having a public viewing.
• Casket or Urn: The cost of a casket can range from a few hundred dollars for a simple pine box to tens of thousands for a high-end model. Urns also vary widely in price.
• Funeral Home Facilities: This includes the use of the funeral home for the viewing, the service, and the memorial reception.
• Cemetery Plot and Burial: The cost of a cemetery plot can vary dramatically depending on the location. You will also need to pay for the opening and closing of the grave and a headstone or marker.

Section 4: Your Funeral Planning Checklist

This checklist can guide you through the process of planning your own funeral. Work through it at your own pace, and remember that it’s okay to change your mind.

• Burial or Cremation: Make the fundamental decision.
• Cemetery Plot: If you choose burial, select and purchase a plot.
• Funeral Home: Research and choose a funeral home.
• The Service: Decide on the type of service you want and the key elements.
• The Casket or Urn: Choose a casket or urn.
• The Financials: Create a budget and decide how you will pay for the funeral.
• The Details: Make decisions about flowers, music, readings, and who you want to speak.
• The Obituary: Write your own obituary or provide the key information for your family to write it.
• Communicate Your Plan: Share your plan with your family and your executor.

Section 5: Pre-Payment Options: A Word of Caution

Many people are drawn to the idea of pre-paying for their funeral to spare their family the expense. While this can be a good option for some, it’s important to be cautious. There are two main ways to pre-pay:

• Pre-need Insurance: This is a whole life insurance policy that is specifically designed to cover funeral expenses. The death benefit is paid directly to the funeral home.
• Payable-on-Death (POD) Account: This is a bank account that you set up to be paid to a specific person upon your death. You can set up a POD account specifically for your funeral expenses.

Be wary of pre-payment plans that are offered directly by funeral homes. These plans are not always portable, meaning that if you move or change your mind, you may lose your money. It’s also important to make sure that the plan is inflation-proof, so your family won’t be left with a shortfall.

Actionable Takeaways

1. Talk to your family about your wishes. Start the conversation this week. It doesn’t have to be a long or formal discussion. Just let them know your basic preferences.
2. Visit a local cemetery. Take a walk and get a feel for the place. It may sound strange, but it can be a peaceful and clarifying experience.
3. Request a General Price List from a local funeral home. You don’t have to make any commitments. Just get the information. Knowledge is power.

CTA

Planning your funeral is a final, profound act of love. It’s a gift of peace for your family. The End of Life Playbook provides a dedicated space to document your wishes, from the big decisions to the smallest details, ensuring your farewell is a true reflection of your life. Start your playbook on endoflifeplaybook.com

References

[1] National Funeral Directors Association. (2021). Statistics. https://nfda.org/news/statistics [2] Federal Trade Commission. (n.d.). The Funeral Rule. https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0300-the-funeral-rule