What to Do Immediately After Someone Dies: The First 30 Days

Opening

The world doesn’t stop when someone you love dies. I remember standing in my father’s basement office, the day after he passed, holding his meticulously organized binder. My mind was a fog of grief, memories and what-ifs. And yet, the world kept spinning. The phone kept ringing with well-meaning friends and family. The funeral home needed decisions. And that binder, as helpful as it was, represented a mountain of tasks my brother and I would need to climb.

In the first few days, and then weeks, after my father, James, died, I felt like I was living a split-screen life. On one side was the grief. On the other was a relentless to-do list. There were calls to make, accounts to close, and a seemingly endless stream of paperwork. Each task, no matter how small, felt monumental. I remember trying to cancel his cable subscription, a simple, mundane task, and practically breaking down in tears from the frustration of trying to get someone to listen. It was the volume of it all.

That experience taught me that the first 30 days after a death are a unique kind of crisis. You are at your most vulnerable, your most emotionally fragile, and yet you are expected to be at your most organized and efficient. It’s a cruel irony. And it’s why I believe so strongly in the power of preparation. My father’s binder was a lifeline, a testament to his love and foresight. But it was still just a starting point. This post is the guide I wish I’d had in those first, bewildering days. It’s a roadmap to help you navigate the practical realities of loss, so you can make space for the one thing that truly matters: grieving for the person you loved.

Problem Statement

The fundamental problem is that our society is not built to handle death. We are a culture of progress, of forward momentum. We don’t have rituals or structures in place to guide us through the immediate aftermath of a loss. When someone dies, we are expected to grieve, but we are also expected to keep functioning. The world doesn’t pause. The bills keep coming. The responsibilities pile up. And the result is that we are forced to navigate a complex and often confusing bureaucracy at a time when we are least equipped to do so.

This lack of preparation has real-world consequences. A 2019 study by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the death of a spouse is one of the most significant predictors of a decline in financial well-being, particularly for women. [1] The administrative burden of death, from closing accounts to dealing with probate, can be a major contributor to this financial stress. And it’s not just about the money. The emotional toll of this administrative chaos can be immense. It can prolong the grieving process, create conflict within families, and leave a lasting legacy of resentment and regret.

My father’s binder was a huge help, but it didn’t cover everything. The digital world, for example, was a black hole. We spent countless hours trying to track down his online accounts, a frustrating and emotionally draining process. And even with the binder, there were still so many questions, so many things we didn’t know. This is the reality for most families. We are left to piece together a life, to become forensic accountants and digital detectives, all while trying to come to terms with our own grief. It’s a system that is broken, and it’s a system that we can, and must, fix.

Main Content

Section 1: The First 24 Hours: Immediate Steps

The first 24 hours after a death are a blur. It’s a time of shock and disbelief, and it can be hard to know what to do. Here are the most important things to focus on in those first, critical hours:

• If the death occurs at home: If your loved one was under hospice care, call the hospice nurse. They will come to the house to make the official pronouncement of death. If the death was unexpected, you will need to call 911. The police and paramedics will come to the house, and they will guide you on the next steps.
• If the death occurs in a hospital or nursing home: The staff will handle the immediate pronouncement of death. They will also likely ask you if you have a preferred funeral home. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer to that question yet. You can tell them you need some time.
• Make the first phone calls: You don’t have to call everyone right away. Start with the most important people: immediate family and close friends. Ask one of them to be the point person for communicating with the wider circle of friends and family. This will take a huge burden off of your shoulders.
• Take a moment to breathe: This is perhaps the most important step of all. In the midst of the chaos, find a quiet moment for yourself. Sit down. Breathe. Acknowledge the enormity of what has happened. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to be present.

Section 2: The First Week: The Big Decisions

The first week after a death is when you will need to make some of the biggest decisions. This is where my father’s binder became so invaluable. Here are the key tasks to focus on in the first week:

• Locate important documents: You will need to find your loved one’s will, birth certificate, social security number, and any other important documents. If they had an End of Life Playbook, this will be the central location for all of this information. If not, you may need to do some searching. My father’s binder was a lifesaver in this regard.
• Choose a funeral home: This is a big decision, and it’s one you’ll have to make quickly. Get recommendations from friends or family. Call a few different funeral homes to compare prices and services. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. A good funeral director will be a compassionate and helpful guide through this process.
• Plan the funeral or memorial service: This is a deeply personal decision. Will it be a traditional funeral or a more modern celebration of life? Who will speak? What music will be played? My dad had told us where he wanted to be buried, and that one piece of information was a huge relief. If your loved one didn’t leave any instructions, this is a decision you will have to make as a family.
• Notify key people and institutions: You will need to notify your loved one’s employer, the Social Security Administration, and any other government agencies they were receiving benefits from. You will also need to start the process of notifying banks, credit card companies, and other financial institutions.

Section 3: The First 30 Days: The Administrative Marathon

The first 30 days are a marathon of administrative tasks. This is where the real work of settling an estate begins. Here are some of the things you’ll need to do:

• Obtain death certificates: You will need multiple copies of the official death certificate to close accounts, claim benefits, and settle the estate. The funeral home can help you with this. A good rule of thumb is to get at least 10 copies.
• Deal with the will: If there is a will, it will need to be filed with the probate court. This is the legal process of validating the will and appointing the executor. If there is no will, the court will appoint an administrator to manage the estate. This is a process that can be complex, and it’s a good idea to consult with an attorney.
• Start managing the estate: The executor or administrator is responsible for managing the assets of the estate. This includes everything from paying bills and closing accounts to selling property and distributing assets to the heirs. This is where my father’s binder was so helpful, but it’s also where the lack of a digital asset plan created so many problems for us.
• Forward the mail: Go to the post office and have your loved one’s mail forwarded to your address. This will help you keep track of bills and other important correspondence.

Section 4: A Checklist for the First 30 Days

This checklist can help you keep track of the many tasks you’ll need to complete in the first 30 days.

Section 5: Taking Care of Yourself: The Most Important Task

In the midst of all of this, it’s easy to forget to take care of yourself. But you can’t pour from an empty cup. Your own well-being is the most important thing. Here are a few things to remember:

• It’s okay to grieve. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, the anger, the confusion. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should be feeling.
• Ask for help. You don’t have to do this alone. Lean on your friends and family. Accept their offers of help. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider talking to a grief counselor or joining a support group.
• Eat and sleep. Your body is going through a trauma, and it needs to be nourished and rested. Make sure you are eating regular meals and getting as much sleep as you can.
• Be patient with yourself. The grieving process is a long one. There will be good days and bad days. Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can.

Actionable Takeaways

1. Create a “when I die” folder. Start a folder on your computer or a physical binder and put a copy of this checklist in it. This is the first step to creating your own End of Life Playbook.
2. Have a conversation with your family about your wishes. You don’t have to have all the answers, but start the conversation. Tell them where you keep your important documents. Tell them what you would want for your funeral.
3. If you have recently lost someone, pick one thing from this list and do it today. Don’t try to do everything at once. Just take one small step. You will get through this.

CTA

The first 30 days after a death are a whirlwind. But you don’t have to go through it alone. The End of Life Playbook can help you organize all of the necessary information in one secure place, so your family will have a clear roadmap to follow. Start your playbook on endoflifeplaybook.com

References

[1] National Bureau of Economic Research. (2019). The Effect of Spousal Death on Household Finances. https://www.nber.org/papers/w26023